The story begins, as one may suspect, with something going out of the ordinary. A peculiar boy, with orange hair, that was so obviously let free to do with itself whatever it saw fit, was making his way to work. It all happened on one extremely crowded sidewalk, since it was Monday morning 8 o’clock and all creatures were making their way to wherever they felt they had to go. Clearly, this only applied to those creatures roaming the ground of this odd place. The odd place is indeed a planet that goes by the name of Earth. This we learnt after consulting the Intergalactic En`cyclope`dia [1] of Infinite Knowdom [2]and thanks to the help of an old and bored-to-death librarian with an unpleasant predisposition of exhausting stinky gases when confronted with way too many questions. Back to the story – 8 o’clock, Monday morning, quirky-looking boy heading to work on one extremely crowded sidewalk on the planet Earth. The boy, who for the purposes of being better understood we shall call Tetry, was staring at the ground and looked as if he is in a deep conversation with himself. Needless to say, we found that quite interesting and just had too peep into his mind and see what the devil was happening in there.
- I hate it. So boring…gotta work all day and then – the next day. The whole stupid, boring week. Oh why don’t these people watch were they are going. What should I do after work? Maybe sit and watch TV again. Yeah, good enough. I want to go back to bed. So boring. I seriously need to do something interesting. Why won’t something cool happen to me!
Little did Tetry know that at that precise moment 392 482 awfully long yawn waves away there was a war going on. In this war an enormous battleship, baring great resemblance to a beloved earthborn water creature, was being attacked by a bunch of small but deadly armed ships, piloted by some of the finest pilots of the wac [3]race. The wacs are, as pointed out in the footnotes, we so carefully prepared for you, are a bunch of weird alien creatures who live on the planet Driew. Driew, as is annoyingly obvious to the more critically thinking readers, is simply ‘weird’ spelled backwards. The council of wac-elders decided upon this name for reasons we prefer not to discuss since there is believed to have been much wac-money involved and a bit of intergalactic law-breaking. Apart from that insignificant and surprisingly quickly forgotten incident, the wacs are lovely creatures who were thrown into a devastating war because of a slight misunderstanding with the intergalactic emperor. The Emperor had decided to make the universe a better place to live which in his point of view required that some races are to be destroyed and turned into cheese for the ‘greater good’. Now, we don’t know for sure what this ‘greater good’ he was speaking of was all about, we do know however for a fact that the Emperor was quite fond of cheese and liked eating it in all shapes and sizes. While the Emperor was seating comfortably in his throne of soft cushions and enjoying a plate of sliced gouda, the wacs were viciously defending their home planet, their race, their culture and their right not to be turned into sliced gouda. The horrific octopus battleship was waving its tentacles around in the pursuit of hitting at least half a dozen of wac-ships at once. Every other minute a brownish thing would fall off from the bottom part of the ship and start chasing the wac ships. For the more dirty minded of you, no this is not what comes out when you go to the so-called ‘bathroom’, although it bares quite the resemblance to it. It was, in fact, a missile, that would scare the what-you-earthlings-call-a-number-two out of the pilots. The wacs are considered to be by far the best pilots in the universe, therefore that which happened next baffled us greatly. The missile headed straight, then it stopped. It moved to the left. Then it moved a bit to the right. It made a bit of a confused-like nodding movement and burst into flames with the loudest bang ever since, well, ever since the Big Bang. This bang seemed so immensely loud only due to our previous knowledge of how loud exploding missiles should be. As you all Must know space is a vacuum. By know the more intelligently appearing readers should have figured it out, or at least found a very convincing way to pretend they have figured it out. For the rest we will only say that NO, we do not mean a vacuum-cleaner, nor do we intend to lecture you in the arts of physics, as this is perhaps the only thing we understand.
Following the silent explosion, nothing really happened. All of the wac-ships were evaporated and the giant octopus-head with tentacles just stood there and felt bored, figuratively of course, since it was no living creature after all. The wac defense troops were eliminated or so thought the Emperor.
What happened then was not only highly impossible but, in a way, a wee bit possible as well. You see, the universe works in ways known only to Her, and to a few lucky individuals, who prefer to remain anonymous for the time being.
Ah, sorry, no. They just informed us that if they are to be offered a cup of tea and some biscuits, ‘chocolate ones with a bit of cinnamon and maybe even some nuts’, they will gladly unravel their identities, and for some liquor in their tea they might even tell you the secret of the universe. Oh, come on, really? Are you that cheap?
For the sake of your world, existence and perhaps even the well-being of the whole universe, we shall make a brief pause here and try to beat, ohm, we mean talk, some sense into those pipsqueaks. Pardon the language and enjoy your tea.
[1] En`cyclope`dia - lit.translation one cyclope per day. A cyclope materializes infront of you to tell you all you need to know. Only trick is - one question per day. If you are to ask him more he might not be able to take it and run off screaming for help.
[2] Knowdom - the ultimate combination between knowledge and wisdom
[3] wac - stands for Weird Alien Creatures
